My Autobiography!
Iqram Uddin
My name is Iqram and I am 11 years old. I was born on August 4th 2004,in London. I am the second oldest in my family.Also I am the only boy out of 4 sisters.This is the story about me!!
When I was a baby I lived in my grandma’s house, until I was two.With my cousins ,my sister Nadia and my aunts ,also my uncles and my mum and dad too.when I was about one my family use to go different places like Chesington and beaches like Brighton also Manchester. So we use to travel quite a lot.When I turned two me and my family moved to our own flat.While the years passed I had an annoying sister named Nelima on the 2nd of October 2008 born.
In 2011 me and my family (my grandmother, aunty,uncle,cousin,and my two sisters) went to Bangladesh for 3 months . We went to loads of different areas in Bangladesh to meet my relatives .Moreover, during my time in Bangladesh I stayed and witnessed loads of different things like poverty and weather conditions. From that trip I learned to be grateful for what I have.When I left Bangladesh my relatives all gathered and were upset that we were leaving ,some wear even crying.
When I was seven I learned that I had a brother. Born on the 28th of April 2003. I didn’t really understand until I was 10 what happened to him . This is the memory that I can remember clearly out of everything else.He pasted away 4 days after he was born .My family were saddened by his death his name was Imad . My mum never stepped in the hospital he passed away in or had to after his death.
When I turned 8. A month later,precisely 25th September 2012, my sister Inaya ,who was very cute and still is , was born. That same year the second best thing happens of my life on boxing day 2012 I got my first big games console at the time the PS3,my reaction was crazy I was going gffvbgd all day long.My dad and uncle (the best uncle in the world) got me it.Also, my mum got me FIFA 15 with it.
When I got in year 6 life got harder and harder with everyone on my back that I needed to get brilliant SATs results or else. When SATs came I was feeling very confident with all the tests. I confidently got good results , but in writing I got average. As SATs ended I got to go Brighton with my school , St Albans C Of E Primary School, we had the times of our life. I miss my primary mates. While in year six before SATs on April 20th my sister Tahira was born she and Inaya are the cutest in my family.She was my 4th sister.
On Eid day 24th of September I got a PS4 I was so excited! Now I study at London Nautical School its great. I’ve made loads of new friends since I’ve joined.If life taught me one thing life is too short make the most of it or live in misery and boredom.
This is my life and My Autobiography!
Iqram Uddin
October 22, 2015 at 3:29 pm
My Autobiography
October 30, 2015 at 4:03 pm
Iqram, your autobiography is very detailed and is chronological. Well done. You have a really engaging tone to your writing that captures your excited personality. It is very warming! You are incredibly optimistic.
This doesn’t yet unlock the ‘autobiography’ badge, but there are only a few changes to make.
Targets:
1) Some of your sentences are a little long. You use commas to break up the sentences, but you use too many! Make some of your longer sentences shorter.
2) You need to be careful of your homophones. You often use ‘two’ when you mean ‘too’ or ‘to’. You also use ‘wear’ rather than ‘were’ or ‘where’.
3) You have used ‘pasted’ rather than ‘passed’.
4) Sometimes the details you are adding to your writing make it difficult to understand. You either need to remove some of the detail or place these additional clauses into commas.For example:
‘When I turned 8 a month later,precisely 25th September 2012, my sister Inaya who was very cute and still cute was born.’
‘When I turned 8 a month later, precisely 25th September 2012, my sister Inaya, who was and still is very cute, was born.’
I really enjoyed reading this, Iqram!
October 30, 2015 at 8:26 pm
Iqram, you are making rapid progress with this piece of writing – keep it up!
You still need to work on the following:
1) You sometimes splice your sentences. This means joining two separate sentences together with a comma, rather than a full stop.
For example:
‘My name is Iqram,I am 11 years old I was born on August 4th 2004,in London. I am the second oldest in my family ,also I am the only boy out of 4 sisters.’
Should become:
‘My name is Iqram and I am 11 years old. I was born on August 4th 2004, in London. I am the second oldest in my family. Also I am the only boy out of 4 sisters.’
Have a look for some more examples of this in your work and correct them.
2) You still use ‘two’ rather than ‘to’ or ‘two’ on at least one occasion.
3) There is still an example where you use ‘pasted’ rather than ‘passed’.
4) Some of your verbs need to be altered to be in the past tense.